


Shitty Pick Up Lines and PBR

by microphoneMessiah



Category: Homestuck
Genre: AU, Collegestuck, Humanstuck, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-01
Updated: 2012-05-01
Packaged: 2017-11-04 16:00:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/395607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/microphoneMessiah/pseuds/microphoneMessiah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sollux is a ridiculous drunk and Eridan isn't that easy.</p><p>A play, of sorts, about a pair of dorks who happen open each other at a bar one night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shitty Pick Up Lines and PBR

Sollux takes another swig of his Budlight as he spots a shock of purple hair across the room. He thinks it odd and kind of ridiculous that someone would just dye one section of their hair such a ridiculous color. Upon surveying the man, he realizes the guy looks like a pretentious douche; one of those trust fund babies he sees all the time at his college. Of course, after he's had a few more beers (and an epic array of shots; thanks, gam) he begins to think that the snobby piece of shit before him is actually kinda fucking hot.

sc: 2o you come here often?  
ed: wwho the fuck are you  
sc: would you beliieve me iif ii 2aiid Biill Gate2 from 10 year2 iin the pa2t?  
ed: no  
sc: what about 2teve job2?  
ed: wwho the fuck is that  
sc: the one that make2 that 2hiitty iiPod youre holding  
ed: excuse you ill have you knoww this iPod is a first generation and thus it is far superior to the newwer models  
ed: some people just cant appreciate classics  
sc: that thiing ii2 a 2toneage piiece of shiit  
sc: you realiize that riight?  
ed: oh god, fuck off  
sc: waiit waiit waiit  
ed: wwhat  
sc: can ii have your number?  
ed: eww, no  
sc: but but  
sc: ii'll make you gyrate 2o fa2t our tiime diilate2  
ed: wwhat does that even mean  
sc: it2 2cience dip2hit  
ed: wwhy do you think science would get me to fuck you  
ed: i mean  
ed: science is basically one of the greatest thing ever yeah  
ed: but then you just tacked on an insult  
ed: i havve more class than that  
sc: 2eriou2ly?  
ed: yes seriously  
sc: you were ju2t dangliing off that guy liike 2 2econd2 ago though  
ed: ...  
ed: that wwas different  
sc: bull2hiit  
sc: how ii2 thii2 different at all?  
ed: wwell the other guy wwasn't a complete fuckin dick  
ed: that's a difference  
sc: oh my god  
sc: ii called you a diip2hiit  
sc: 2uddenly ii'm the wor2t fucking tra2h on the planet?  
sc: ii2 that how thii2 work2?  
ed: basically yeah  
ed: fuck  
ed: off  
sc: can ii at lea2t buy you a driink? damn  
ed: wwill you leavve me alone if i just say yes?  
sc: ii'll leave the whole buiilding and go home  
ed: ...  
ed: ugh  
ed: yeah sure  
ed: one drink  
ed: then you get all the wway the fuck out of the wwhole univverse  
sc: of cour2e your maje2ty  
sc: name your poii2on of choiice  
ed: pabst blue ribbon  
sc: ahahahahaha  
ed: wwhat are you laughin about  
sc: you would driink the mo2t 2tereotypiical hiip2ter beer  
sc: liike ii 2hould have known a2 2oon a2 ii 2aw you  
sc: ii bet you lii2ten to ob2cure band2 no one giive2 a 2hit about two  
ed: wwoww wway to judge someone on their beverage you massive tool  
ed: and fuck you  
ed: i listen to great bands but obvviously lamestream people like yourself wwouldn't get it  
sc: oh my god ii called iit  
ed: ugh this wwas a horrible idea

The guy gets up to go before Sollux makes a quick grab and latches onto his wrist.

sc: woah don't get your pantiie2 iin a twii2t  
sc: iim 2orry for iinsultiing your 2omewhat riidiiculous ta2te iin beer  
ed: is that really the best apology you can think of  
sc: your beer iis gettiing warm  
sc: take iit or leave iit  
ed: ugh fine

They sit there in amicable peace; Sollux drawing circles with the water on the table left from his glass and the guy just stares off at nothing. He looks distracted, but surprisingly, not totally displeased to be not quite stuck there.

ed: so...  
ed: wwhat's your name?  
sc: huh?  
sc: oh right  
sc: uh 2ollux  
sc: captor  
sc: 2ollux captor, 4th year diigiital programmer at Alt Tech  
ed: oh really  
ed: thats my school too  
ed: cant say ivve evver seen you around before though  
ed: funny  
ed: i pegged you for a social butterfly  
sc: oh 2hove iit  
ed: ahahah  
sc: 2o who are you?  
ed: Eridan Ampora heir to Ampora Corp and key trendsetter  
sc: ehehhe  
sc: and you 2aiid ii wa2 a tool?  
ed: oh shut up  
ed: i bet my entire wwardrobe is wworth more than your wwhole geek setup  
sc: 2hame two 2iince at lea2t my "2etup" ii2 practical and re2pected by the general population  
ed: are you really insulting my outfit  
ed: dressed in that  
sc: ooh diid ii 2triike a nerve  
ed: more than a nervve is gonna be struck if you dont take that back right fuckin noww  
sc: ahahah calm down  
sc: iim ju2t tea2iing  
ed: you knoww outta all the people that havve tried to pick me up at a bar  
ed: i gotta say  
ed: you are doin the shittiest job at it  
sc: ii dont know  
sc: you gotta admiit thii2 i2 at lea2t more iintere2tiing than the other riivetiing conver2atiion2 you mu2t have had wiith other tool2

The night passes by quickly, with a few jokes and playful jabs accompanied by laughter. Eventually, the bar begins to close and it's various patrons stumble out into the early morning. Amongst these patrons are Eridan and Sollux, hobbling out with an arm around each other as support. They exchange a somewhat awkward glance in their drunk stupor before Eridan offered him a small smile.

ed: so wwhere do wwe go from here?

Sollux gives him a huge grin before taking out a small slip of paper and reciting:

sc: hey  
sc: ii ju2t met you  
sc: and thii2 ii2 crazy  
sc: but here2 my number  
sc: 2o call me maybe?

Eridan laughs uproariously and slugs him in the arm before taking the small crumpled piece of paper

ed: oh god  
ed: that wwas so stupid  
sc: yeah  
sc: ii'll probably regret that later  
ed: regret givvin me your number?  
ed: or singin that dumb song?  
sc: the 2ong  
sc: but fuck iit ii'll probably regret the number two 2iince youre mo2t liikely an iin2ufferable priick when youre not hammered  
ed: i take offense to that  
sc: good  
ed: fucker  
sc: p2h maybe later  
ed: that doesnt evven make any sense  
sc: doe2nt have two  
sc: ii ju2t now you are craviin my hot nerd ass  
ed: ahahaha  
ed: wwhat ass?  
sc: fucker  
ed: hey sol  
sc: are we doiing niicknames now?  
sc: can yours be fishdick?  
ed: sol  
ed: don't ruin the fuckin moment i'm tryin to make here  
sc: 2orry  
sc: go on ahead and 2peak two your heart2 content  
ed: thank you  
ed: i just wwanted to say i  
ed: i had a pretty okay time tonight  
sc: me two, ed  
ed: evven though you are a huge tool wwith shitty pick up lines  
sc: don't ruiin the moment, ed  
sc: ju2t 2hut up plea2e

Eridan was about to retort something smart when Sollux leaned forward, giving him a quick peck on the lips. Eridan, for his part, was actually knocked speechless for once in his life.

sc: 2ee you later?  
ed: uh  
ed: right  
ed: yes  
ed: i wwill call you

Eridan backed into a trash can in his hasty retreat causing Sollux to laugh. They waved goodbye and went there seperate ways, off to go live their lives with a now entertwined future.

He looked at the paper in his hand and simply thought:

It definitely wasn't one of the shittiest conversations he has had.


End file.
